


Have and Hold

by Verasteine



Category: EastEnders
Genre: M/M, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-31
Updated: 2011-05-31
Packaged: 2017-10-21 06:49:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/222140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Verasteine/pseuds/Verasteine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first night of the rest of their lives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Have and Hold

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [](http://pinkfairy727.livejournal.com/profile)[**pinkfairy727**](http://pinkfairy727.livejournal.com/) for the beta. Sorry I made you wait so long! Thanks to [](http://idamus.livejournal.com/profile)[**idamus**](http://idamus.livejournal.com/) for the title help. Part of cleaning up my hard drive, 4/4. Basically, this fic is what happened when the credits rolled on July 16. Because I am predictable like that. Enjoy.

"Sy..."

Christian stands by the door, having just shut it behind him, and Syed looks at him and doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. Christian's eyes are tense and frightened, and he can understand that, and holds out a hand. "Not bolting," he says.

Christian tangles their fingers together. "Don't think you can, any more. Where would you go?"

Syed lays that aside and replies, "I don't want to go anywhere else."

Christian pulls him in, wraps his arms around Syed, and it makes him realise how little they've touched so far. He buries his face against Christian's shoulder, breathing deeply.

When they come apart, Christian runs a hand through Syed's hair. "You're really here."

There's surprise and wonder in his voice, and Syed tries a smile. "I choose you," he repeats.

Christian leans in and kisses him, and liquid desire curls in Syed's stomach, making his legs shake unsteadily. He kisses back, Christian's hand coming up under his shirt, and he can feel the intensity of Christian's emotions in the desperation of his kiss.

He presses a hand to Christian's chest and pushes him away just a few inches, and Christian starts frowning. Syed gives him a soft kiss. "Not going anywhere," he says again.

Christian nods and leans his forehead against Sy's. "I'm sorry, I just can't believe..."

"I know." He can't help but smile. "I haven't really been..."

"It's okay." Christian's voice is soft and dark, and Syed feels his heart swell. "Come on." Christian leads him to the sofa. Syed sits on the edge, suddenly feeling like a stranger in a room he knows so well, and Christian sits down next to him. "What happened, Sy?" he says softly.

He glances at Christian, whose eyes hold his unwaveringly. "It doesn't matter."

Christian's smile is watery. "Okay."

"I mean..." Syed makes a random gesture. He sighs and glances up at the ceiling. "They were starting all of it all over again. It was going to go the same way -- a nice Muslim girl, marriage, children -- and they just expected me to be fine with that." He looks at Christian again, then can't bear the compassion in his eyes and stares at the wall instead. "I could see the future, and all there was, was--" He breaks off, but not fast enough to stop the sob that's suddenly in his chest from escaping.

Christian's hand is on his shoulder and his voice is soft. "Hey..."

Syed wipes a hand over his eyes. "I couldn't bear it. I thought, if I do that, I'll kill myself." He shakes his head.

"Sy..." Christian says, and Syed turns into his embrace. Christian wraps strong arms around him and holds him close.

"I've missed you so much," Syed confesses.

Christian kisses his temple. "I missed you, too, Sy."

Syed looks at him, then just lays his head against Christian's. "I love you."

Christian is silent for a few seconds, and then says, "I never thought I'd hear you say that again."

Syed sits up to look at him, puts a hand to Christian's cheek and looks him straight in the eye. "I love you."

Christian's breath stutters for a beat. "Syed..."

Syed leans in to kiss him and Christian pulls him into his lap, hands sliding into his hair. Syed slides his hand down over Christian's chest, pulls the hem of his t-shirt up and touches skin. Christian groans at the touch, bucking up under him, and Syed feels himself grow hard. He kisses Christian's neck.

"Sy..."

"Hmm..."

"Let's go to bed."

He pulls back to look at Christian.

"I don't want to do this on the sofa. I want to do this properly, you and me..."

He swallows at Christian's meaning, but nods. It's awkward when he clambers off Christian's legs, but then Christian leads him the few feet to the bed, and they stand there. Christian reaches out and tips his chin up, giving him a soft kiss. "In case I forget to tell you later," he says with a smile, "I love you, too."

He leans in for a kiss, and Syed wraps an arm around his waist, lets Christian reach for the hem of his shirt and pull it up, even breaks away to let Christian lift it over his head. Christian reaches for his belt, and Syed lets him open that too, steps out of his jeans.

Christian takes a step back and pulls his own shirt up over his head, and Syed swallows, staring helplessly. He knows Christian's been working out a lot, but...

"See something you like, Sy?" Christian's chuckling, and it almost breaks the mood, but Syed lifts his eyes to Christian's, and then they're both lost. "Sy," Christian says breathlessly, and kisses him, pulling him impossibly close.

He remembers to take his socks off along with his boxers before Christian pulls him under the covers, and then it's just the two of them, naked, and this has always been the easy part. He's never lacked desire or love for Christian, not even when Christian was at his most annoying, and he settles a hand on Christian's hip while kissing down his chest.

"Sy, you don't have to..."

Sex, for them, is remarkably familiar territory, and he looks up. "Want to," he says. Blindly, he gropes with his free hand for Christian's fingers, and finds them. "Let me."

When he takes Christian in his mouth, everything is familiar, taste, feel, the sounds Christian makes. But a moment later, Christian's hand is in his hair, tugging him up. "Come back up here," he says, voice rough, and Syed obliges at least in part because of that tone.

Christian kisses him deeply, holds him close. "Want you," he says hoarsely, and Syed kisses him because he can.

"Okay," he replies.

Christian frowns, unsure. "Yeah?"

"Yes," Syed confirms.

Christian rolls them both, till Syed is underneath and looking up at him. "I can't believe you're here."

"Me, neither," Syed says, and though he meant it as a quip, his voice breaks on the words.

"Never go away," Christian replies, hand sliding between Syed's legs. "Never..."

He lets his thighs fall open and turns his head to kiss Christian's neck. "Never."

\--

Christian dozes in spite of the fact that it's early evening. Syed, on the other hand, is wide awake. It's not doubts that keep him up. After what just happened, and how right it felt, he knows it's not doubts. Not any more, never again.

When he pulls away, Christian makes a distressed sound, hand sliding in his direction blindly. Syed leans in to kiss Christian's shoulder. "Not going anywhere," he promises, and it seems to settle him.

He gets up and finds his boxers, makes do with the comforter off the sofa. He stands staring out at the square, dusk faintly pinking up the horizon.

Everything seems normal. Nothing feels normal any more.

"Sy?"

He turns to watch Christian push up on one elbow, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "I'm here," he says.

Christian's eyes find him, and for a moment, Syed thinks he can read Christian's fears in them. But Christian doesn't speak, just slides out from under the covers and puts on his trousers.

"Anything interesting out there?"

Syed smiles. "No."

"Nothing new there then," Christian says, and Syed can't help but laugh.

It hits him, then, that there's nowhere to go; no hurry, no time table, no one waiting, no secrets, no-- anything. He looks at Christian and laughs again.

"What? Something on my face?"

"No." Syed calms himself, but can't stop smiling. And then, the next thing that he's free to do without reproach. "Come here."

Christian comes, wrapping warm arms around him. "Sy," he says softly.

Syed leans back against his chest. "Promise me something."

"What?" Christian presses a warm nose behind Syed's right ear.

Syed breathes deeply for a moment, feeling something burst with joy in his chest. "Never stop calling me that."

"What?" Christian pulls back, looking at him, and tucks a few strands of Syed's hair behind his ear. "Sy?"

"Yes."

"Okay." Christian's fingers pause mid motion. "Why?"

He looks down. There were never many secrets between them, but... "No one else does."

Christian laughs softly. "I know. Was that your mum, always making sure you were called by a proper Pakistani name?"

Syed's mouth twists. "I don't know."

Christian's hand closes over his arm. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

Syed closes his eyes for a few seconds. "I missed it," he confesses. "It's a stupid thing to miss, I know, but when it all came down to it, I missed it. You, calling me that, it always made things... better somehow, I don't know, it's stupid."

"It's not stupid, Sy." Christian presses a kiss to his hair. "I promise, I won't stop calling you Sy."

For a moment, they stand there together.

"You know," Christian begins, "what I really, really missed?"

Syed is half expecting him to come out with something about sex, but Christian, as he so often does, surprises him.

"This. Holding you like this. Sy, you have no idea."

Syed turns sideways, trying to see Christian's face, who ducks his head and looks out the window. "Christian," he manages to say, but his voice nearly breaks on the name.

"The thought of you--" Christian breaks off, steps away from him, and the tone of his voice has given Syed enough clues. He reaches out to make Christian face him, and the tears on his cheeks are no surprise. Christian wipes at them angrily.

"Tell me," Syed insists, finding Christian's hand, holding it.

"The thought of some therapist filling your head with fucking rubbish, it-- I've seen it happen, Sy, guys who tried to get 'cured' and came back more messed up, and the thought of that happening to you, someone telling you you are not okay the way you are--" Christian takes a shaky breath. "All I wanted to do was hold you close and tell you it's not true."

"You can," Syed vows. "Any time. No more secrets, no more lies." Christian nods, still shaky, and Syed does what he so often could not: he goes to Christian to console him. "I'm here, okay?"

Christian smiles. "Yes."

Syed leans in to kiss him. It's not always going to be easy, but there you go. He chose this for better or for worse, and he knows in his heart they are strong enough together. He feels Christian shiver. "Let's get back to bed."

Christian steals another kiss. "Thought you'd never ask."  
\--  
 _finis._


End file.
